I remember you catching my eye as you were lurched up into space, apprehensive of your first carnival ride. You were beyond my reach, but that unbreakable bond still held us together. It made our eyes meet when you needed assurance. 

Beyond my reach.

I hate that life is going on without you. Five at the dinner table and it’s supposed to be normal. I keep counting the plates and feeling like something is off.

Everyone has settled into school and work. Life is full but empty at the same time.

Full of tasks.

Empty of you.

It’s so weird to think that this is the way God designed our remaining days. Tristanless?

It doesn’t feel worth it. I guess that’s where being a living sacrifice comes in. Who wants to sacrifice their life? Even Jesus balked at that in Gethsemane. But like He who went before me, I must say- “Not my will but Thine be done.”

And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.”  Luke 26:39

I have His companionship to guide me through. My sympathetic High Priest who was tempted in all ways as I am, yet without sin and learned obedience through that which He suffered. 

For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things just as we are, yet without sin. 16 Therefore let’s approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace for help at the time of our need.” Hebrews 4:15-16

He wouldn’t ask it of me if He hadn’t suffered it Himself.

He gets it. He knows the depths I’m going through RIGHT NOW. He told me to come confidently to His throne of Grace to find mercy and grace

to HELP

in time of need.

NEED — what I need is my Tristy whole and healed and with us.

What I’ve got is time to wait until “with us” happens.

God’s mercy and grace will get me through. And I will be a living sacrifice (Romans 12:1) Alive. Here.

You are alive, there. (I hope the glory God gets from my belief in all this is increasing your joy.) One day it will all be worth it. 

You see that now, but I will just have to take God’s Word for it.

You were beyond my reach, but the carnival ride turned gleeful and you loved it. I wish I could see your face beholding what you’re seeing now.

Dear God, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I understand what your servant Elisabeth Elliot meant when she said, “it was because of my losing my husband that God gave me the gift of Himself, of the knowledge of who He was, in a way I could not otherwise have experienced”. I can say that is true about losing Tristan but at the same I can’t believe it’s true. Intense joy, and intense pain. Can I scream and thank You at the same time? It seems like that’s what it calls for. Help me to keep living as a sacrifice to You. I’m so glad you get it. Save me from myself. In Jesus name, Amen.