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Sawyer, my younger son, has not opened up to us much since Tristan ran to heaven. But it’s Sawyer’s birthday tomorrow and he just said the sweetest thing:
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“Mom, are you going to be sad that I’m turning 19?”
It took a moment to understand what he meant.
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“Oh, you mean because Tristan never got to?”
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For a moment my mind went back to that day. The day we were all hollowed out. Tristan lay dead. And his surprise party trappings lay useless in a pile. Just two days to go before everybody would lavish him with love. Instead of yelling “SURPRISE!” it felt like we were supposed to yell, “Don’t go! We NEED you !”
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Sawyer had always been 3 years younger than Tristan. I hadn’t thought about Sawyer reaching 19 first. I assured Sawyer that his 19th birthday didn’t bother me because in my mind, Tristan was always ordained by God to live on this earth for exactly as long as he was supposed to be here. (Psalm 139:16) .
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It was the early morning hours when I came to that conclusion. Back when I wanted to die myself instead of living in the aftermath of a dead son. I searched the pages of scripture because it was all I had. I begged God to show me, and He did. He showed me what He asked of the saints that went before us. He loved these people. They were used by Him for His kingdom. But here is what you don’t read about them:
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Stephen: Acts tell us that Stephen was “full of grace and power, performing great wonders and signs among the people” but it doesn’t say he went to college, found a beautiful godly wife, raised a strong family, and outlived his parents.
Joseph: Genesis tells us that there was “no one as discerning and wise as Joseph”, but it doesn’t say that he studied art and created a thriving business, fell in love and raised a godly family, served in the church and visited grandma’s house with his 5 grandchildren.
David: I Samuel tells us that “David was successful in all his ways for the Lord was with him”, but it doesn’t say that he used his gifts of compassion and love of adventure to mentor troubled teens and lived near grandma so she could watch the grandkids often.
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That’s what I thought God did with people He loved and people that I loved. It turns out God loves people and still, they can be stoned, betrayed, abandoned by their family, left for dead, imprisoned, banished from their homeland, hunted down like a wild animal, hungry, in dire need, and horrifically afraid.
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Horrible circumstances that lead to death are nothing new for God’s loved ones. If it happened to them, it can happen to us. And it doesn’t negate all of the verses in the bible that promise God’s protection and rescue. Tristan was protected from hell and damnation. Tristan was rescued from a tormented mind. He is standing in the victory of God’s promises. And as a mom, when I read those verses about peace, prosperity, protection and triumph, I know that they are not negated by tragedy, because they will all come true for us in heaven, forever. Tristan is enjoying them right now!
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Nothing is greater than God. Not mental illness, not sin, not rash foolish decisions. All of that was taken into account before the foundation of the earth when Tristan was known in the mind of God. His story was used not as I thought it would be used, but I can trust it is a story handled with care and great intentionality, by the gracious hands of our loving Father.
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Dear God, one day we are all going to stand there and see what happened because of how their lives went and we are going to be in awe of your wisdom and orchestration. Job says that You gave them to us, and You took them away. They were Yours before they were ours. Help us to believe that. And save us from ourselves. In Jesus name, Amen.
