I remember the day you were born and all my prayers came true. God answered my request for blonde hair, blue eyes, and soon to be seen long golden ringlets on my boy’s head.

Our sovereign King who loved us enough to die for us gave us this boy child, He held our lives in His hands, He brought us together, gave us our family, protected us, lead us, taught us, watched over us, revealed Himself to us in His Word, guided us and gave us lives to live for Him. This was God at 1:06am on February 10, 2001

I remember the day you left for heaven. Your blue eyes were lifeless, only your blonde hair hadn’t changed so I kept touching it to hold a bit of your soul. But it was gone.

I remembered the God of 1:06 am, February 10, 2001, who gave me this boy. But Who was this God at 3:50 am on February 8, 2020, who took him back?

Did He change? Was He still all the things He was before I knew He could design life to leave at 18 years, 363 days?

 “For I the Lord do not change…”     Malachi 3:6a

Good, kind, merciful, longsuffering, compassionate, all-powerful, wise, all-knowing, holy, sovereign,  patient, forgiving. The One who heals, holds, sees, helps, comforts, guides, carries, protects, shields, and loves us.

He did not heal and He did not protect my son that night. But He didn’t promise to. He did not heal and He did not protect Stephen, or Paul, or even His own Son, Jesus. Their healing came after they died. They died. Was Tristan above that end?

It is my job to trust the God who made Tristan, who had plans for him before the foundation of the world. Not my plans, but better, wiser, God plans. Parent plans are not God plans, oh, how I’ve learned that now.

And I’ve also learned another very important lesson.

God does change…He changes me.

As Job said, “I had heard of You by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees You.” As David said, “My soul thirsts for You, my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.”    I used to read these words like I was watching a tv show, but now my soul groans them forth.

(Job 42:5, Psalm 63)

Dear God, I don’t know what You’re doing and I’m kind of glad because I would have yelled, “STOP” a lot of times. You are You and I’m not. I would never have chosen my son to accomplish Your means. But You did. You chose YOUR Son to accomplish the greatest means of all. I get that sacrifice now. I’m sorry I treated it so lightly before. For some reason, I didn’t think it would grieve You that much to lose your son because You’re God and You knew Jesus would come right back to life. But if You’re perfect then that means You felt the loss of Your son to the most perfect degree. And why did you lose Him? For people like me who were Your enemy!  Thank you for loving me enough to do that. And thank you for covering Tristan’s life with Christ’s blood so he can be waiting for me when I finally get there. I can’t wait to see you both. In Christ’s most precious and Holy name, Amen.

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