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We had two weeks to save your life. The past 6 years had been a mystery. You were battling an undiagnosed depression but you never talked to us about it. You didn’t even know it yourself. Nobody knew. Not your doctor, not the five other professionals I took you to see, not even your own mom and dad. That makes me the saddest of all because we knew you best.
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Then one day God gave us a small open door. You confessed that you wanted to escape the pain so badly that you had tried to kill yourself. How many times? Eight times. When? The past 12 days.
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We went into full blown saving mode. We visited 3 hospitals, you had two counselors a day calling you for check-ins, and you met with a child psychologist twice a week. We were on the path to SUCCESS.
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I had the music playing full blast. It was the theme song to this new life I found myself in, Saving Tristan. I didn’t know it yet, but it was to be my last week with you.
You ran up the stairs and called to me over the music,
“MOM! Why do you keep playing this song?”
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“I know you’re able and I know you can
save through the fire with your mighty handbut even if you don’t my hope is you alone…”
I turned and looked at you, surprised that you cared. Why would you care about the lyrics to this song? Why would you come all the way upstairs to ask me about it?
“I know the sorrow and I know the hurtwould all go away if you just say the wordbut even if you don’tmy hope is you alone”
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I thought we were saving you from the darkness that had burdened your mind. Light was creeping in, you were reading your bible. You were trying. I had SO MUCH HOPE. That’s why I loved this song, God was saving us! It never occurred to me that the lyrics were a clue. I thought you charged up the stairs because you were sick of hearing the same song over and over.
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Now I know why you asked me about the song. It’s because even though you were trying, the pain was too great and you were already planning your escape. The song made you wonder if I had figured it out. “I’m going to try to live because I know it would hurt you and Dad too much if I left.” you had said.
That was enough for me to believe you’d never try to leave again.
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It’s been 5 years since I’ve seen your face. All the professional help in the world couldn’t save you. And now I know, when someone really wants an escape from the pain, there’s not a way to stop them. Depression is a real disease, just like cancer. And just like some cancer can be treated and some cancer is destined to kill, some depression can be treated and some depression is destined to kill. Even the establishment knows that when someone is really craving death, they can find a way to do it, no matter how much help is at their fingertips.
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I turn the radio off when that song comes on now, because it brings back the day you charged up the stairs asking me why I kept playing it. I don’t want to remember the hurting you, the escaping you, the boy whose pain was so great it trumped the pain he knew it would cause the ones he loved the most.
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I want to think about the healed you, the whole you. Jesus grabbed you as you took your last breath and you woke up in His arms. You were not scolded or chided for ending your pain. Yes, it was wrong to end it, but what else does God have to work with? We are all sinners! Jesus died to cover sin and remove it as far as the east is from the west. Why would He bring it up in your first meeting face to face? He understands the ones who cannot keep themselves alive because He talks about them in Psalm 22, the very Psalm He quoted during HIS last moments on earth:
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before him shall bow all who go down to the dust,
even the one who could not keep himself alive. Psalm 22:29b
He brought you into this world. And He took you out of it. Nobody decides the end of a person’s life except God alone. I know this because He stopped you 8 times. Why didn’t He stop you on the 9th? I’ve relinquished questions that can’t be answered on this earth. And I suspect, when I finally get to heaven and see you, standing next to Jesus, I’m not going to care.
This is the stanza I will live by until that day:
“You’ve been faithful
You’ve been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You,Come what may
‘Cause I know You’re able
I know You can…”
And You did.
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Dear God, my boy is with you! I can’t wait to join him. He has purposes up there, the same way he did down here. Help me to live out the purposes you have for me until we are together again. And save me from myself. In Jesus name, amen.
