Frequently Asked Questions

Help, I have flashbacks of finding my child!

I highly recommend finding a professional in your area that is trained in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy. It took away the trauma of flashbacks for me.

Help, I can't sleep
Sleep during the first several weeks was evasive. Doctors tried to prescribe different medicines but they had their own side effects. Sadly, suicide ideation can be one of the side effects so be careful if you choose a sleep aid. One that I found that had the least side effects was an over-the-counter med called doxylamine succinate. Costco carries it under the name Kirkland Sleep Aid but it’s also sold in many generic preparations. I cut my tablets in 1/2 and it worked very well.
Another thing that helped me rest was listening to Scripture Lullabyes by Hidden in My Heart. Their music is also available on Youtube.
Is suicide the unpardonable sin?

Short answer: No. Nothing in scripture supports the interpretation of Matthew 12 as talking about suicide. The unpardonable sin was limited to those who witnessed Jesus’ miracles, power and authority, yet ascribed his work to Beelzebul, and rejected him as the Messiah.

Trauma

While EMDR can address the trauma of finding your child, and therapy for PTSD can help address suicide loss, sometimes a parent can have layered grief from events that have plagued them for years before the suicide loss occurred. If you suffer from trauma that has affected you for years and are now finding yourself unable to work through suicide loss, I highly recommend Dr. Janina Fisher’s work in this area. You can find a practitioner trained in her method, by clicking here.

How long does this pain last?

In the early days I was desperate to talk to someone further down the road to find out if they still carried this unimaginable weight of pain. And how could it ever go away if the horror would always be true! The answer I got was that the pain does not go away but it becomes softer. For me, as time goes on, I liken it to a feeling of homesickness. I am missing my boy, and want to be where he is. I can’t wait until we are together again in our true home, the New Earth. For more about biblical teaching on heaven and the New Earth, see Randy Alcorn’s book, “Heaven”.

Does the pain change over the years?

For us, and also as confirmed by others, the pain does change as the years go by. The first year you are in shock simply trying to grasp the suicide. The second year the shock wears off and you are dealing with the death of your child. The third year it hits home that they are really gone and this is life without them. The fourth year you feel like everybody has forgotten that they even existed at all. You may also feel guilty for the healing process as if you are dishonoring their importance somehow. This is simply not true. God redeems even the most horrible of circumstances. Each day you are one day closer to seeing your child again, not further away from them or forgetting them.

Help, I can't stop crying

The short answer is, you don’t have to stop crying. Jesus was sorrowful “unto death” in the garden of Gethsemane so you are in good company. Suicide loss is one of the hardest losses to process. You may have shock, or trauma. Crying can last for weeks, months, or years. Take heart, our own dear Lord experienced a sorrow that almost killed Him as He sweat great drops of blood in prayer and anguish. Jesus has gone there before you. Call out to Him to find mercy and grace to help you in this time of need. He will meet you right where you are.

Are there any support groups for Christian suicide loss?
We have found a few groups dedicated to Christian suicide loss. Some groups meet in person, while others meet online.  While We’re Waiting has some suicide-loss specifc groups you can find here: https://whilewerewaiting.org/support-group/
Another organization called Our Hearts are Home has support groups you can find here: https://ourheartsarehome.org/support-groups.
To hear from other Christian parents touched by suicide loss you can request to join this private Facebook group administrated by Melissa: https://www.facebook.com/groups/wwwsuicideloss
Did your son leave a note?

Only 20% of suicides leave a note. I have heard from some parents that the note they found didn’t sound anything like their child because it was from a traumatized brain. God was gracious in allowing us to find a goodbye note from Tristan on his computer. Tristan was a writer and in God’s sovereignty, left us a coherent, assuring, and loving goodbye letter. We read the contents of that note during his memorial service which you can find under “Resources” on this website.

How long should I wait to go through belongings?

You will know when it is time. I would recommend not giving away anything of sentimental value in a rush decision. I made the mistake of giving away a pair of sunglasses that reminded me of Tristan but I wasn’t sure they actually belonged to him. They were soon lost at the bottom of a river and I was heartbroken. Grief does weird things to your brain. Err on the side of caution when it comes to getting rid of any belongings and do what feels right to you. In time, I’m told, you will have the strength to go through your loved ones things more objectively. That still hasn’t happened for me.

Help, no one understands
Suicide loss is such a particular pain that few can understand it unless they’ve been through it themselves. Melissa administrates a Facebook group for parents touched by suicide loss. It is a safe place to find like-minded moms and dads who know exactly what you are going through. You can submit your request to join, here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/wwwsuicideloss
Help, I just can't go back to church

We’ve heard from people that had to find another church for a few years. Going back is tough because many people have moved past your grieving stage and it feels hurtful to see them having moved on. Others may expect you to have moved on as well when your journey is only beginning. Be gentle with yourself. Only return when you are strong enough and if you aren’t, it might be good to visit another church. Just make sure you have a trusted pastor or mature Christian friend that is keeping tabs on you so you don’t fall through the cracks with no help at all.