.
My soul feels like it’s wearing an itchy sweater. Several things are amassing at once upon our lives and it’s making me feel this way.
.
One, your best friend is moving across the country. When you met him you were still in diapers. The last day you spent on earth was with him. Now he’s going to be gone.
.
Gone isn’t just gone anymore. It echoes. It brings back the memory of my boy who left. So, friends don’t just leave anymore. They’ll say goodbye, they’ll pull out of the driveway– and I’ll feel the echoes of leaving.
out of reach
missed chances
gone forever
never coming back
.
None of those are true of the boy driving away, they are just echoes of my boy that went to heaven.
.
Two, your brother was refused by the girl he wanted to marry. We are all watching her date her new boyfriend. Your poor brother is devastated and carries such pain. But it’s not just pain, it echoes.
too dark
too deep
non-negotiable
unnavigable
.
These aren’t all true for your brother. But after you left it’s all I can hear, echoing off the reality of our lives.
.
And three, there are some unknowns coming up for our future. But it’s not just unknowns anymore. The unknown brings echoes of disaster
horror
trauma
ruin
.
Are these on the horizon? Maybe. Probably not. But we’ve seen it happen once so we hear the echoes and wonder.
.
Life isn’t just life anymore. It’s surrounded by echoes of when you left and I don’t know if those echoes will ever be faint enough not to be heard.
.
It makes me long for Truth. It pushes me into the arms of God who knows speculation from reality. Can I give it all to Him? Is He strong enough to shut down the spirals in my mind and shut out the echoes of my boy leaving?
.
I can’t wait for the day I can take off this itchy sweater and bask in the comfort of
mystery solved
life at rest
a peace-saturated present
.
Dear God, Help me to trust You again. You say You are everlasting lovingkindness, You know the end from the beginning. Your hand is behind me, before me and upon me. You carry my sorrows and are intimately acquainted with my grief. So, You actually KNOW it’s hard for me to expect good from Your hand again. Teach me Your ways so I can honestly say, into Your hands I commit my spirit. I do believe; help my unbelief! I know you’ve got my boy. Give him a kiss for me and tell him it’s from his mom. In Jesus most Holy and precious name I pray, amen.
