I carry a scream. For all the faith in God’s sovereignty, hope in His purpose, belief in His lovingkindness, I still carry a scream. It’s the scream I would have emitted if I had been present when Tristan tried to take his life, the scream to stop him from carrying through with it. It’s the scream I made after the fact that only the sound of a speeding train could cover.

It’s the scream that all of creation is making under the curse until God sets all things right. God refers to it as a “groan”.

” For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now.  And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.”

I think a carried scream would be like a groan because it’s tucked away inside of you and your voice is not actively crying out.  It thrums through every living thing that longs to give full glory to God but is held by the cursed earth. All of creation is longing for this redemption, for all things to be put right so there is no more death, no more grief, no more sickness of poor boys dying from depression because they could not keep themselves alive.

It’s the loud weeping when Jesus burst into tears at Lazarus’s grave. He was looking upon the scene, not just of this death, but all the death to come, including Tristan’s, the sorrow and grief that were let into the world when Eve first disobeyed and gave the fruit to her husband. Jesus was weeping for the broken world, the broken relationships between men, and between God and man.

What I’ve realized is this— You can still be glad in God and groan for redemption at the same time. The proof is in Jesus Himself in the gospel accounts.

Jesus carried these dual emotions. We know He loved Lazarus…

“Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus.  So, when he heard that Lazarus was ill, he stayed two days longer in the place where he was.”

What does He say to the disciples when He hears Lazarus has died, when Jesus tarried two extra days before traveling to save him?

“…and I am glad for your sakes that I was not there, so that you may believe; but let’s go to him.”
Jesus just said He was glad He was not there to save Lazarus. Glad. But why? Because He had a dual purpose, to increase the disciples’ faith. They were going to need it after Jesus died himself. So, He’s glad someone died, but He’s also taken over by grief and weeping at the gravesite.  “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints.”  Dual-purpose. Two emotions.
I am glad for what God has accomplished through His sovereignty in bringing glory to Himself by ordaining Tristan’s life and death,  but I am horrified enough to carry a scream that death had to occur at all. Dual emotions.

“And Jesus uttered a loud cry and breathed His last.” …He didn’t die because He couldn’t breathe. He didn’t die because He was out of strength. He cried out, He screamed with a loud voice…and here’s what He screamed – “‘It is finished.’”  –John MacArthur sermon 41-82

If Jesus can scream, we can scream. We can groan with all creation for the redemption we so long for. We can trust God to bring it about in His time. We can mourn and weep for our children and still trust the God who holds them dear.

Dear Lord, You know I trust You. You know my thoughts before I think them and the scream that has been in my heart ever since You took Tristan home. Thank you for showing me in Your Word that it’s okay to hold these dual emotions. I can’t wait until the cursed earth is finally redeemed. Help my groaning and my longing. Help me to push it aside so I can love well the ones you’ve left behind. Save me from myself, Amen.

Verses referenced: Romans 8:21-23, John 11:5,15, ESV