I couldn’t reach you. As the years dragged on I prayed harder. It was okay because we had time. Prayer would fix it. God would show me what to do to reach you. You’d mature. You’d become an adult and see the folly of your teen angst. We’d look back and laugh at how silly you were and how happy we were now.
A mother is only as happy as her saddest child. That’s what I used to say when people would ask me how I was doing. I couldn’t be okay when you were a ghost of your former self. Where did the you of you go? Sometimes I’d catch a glimpse of your childhood years still residing in your dimples as you threw a merry glance my way. You didn’t know it but inside I was rocketed to the moon with glee. There was my Tristy! He was still in there, and we still had time.
Even though I didn’t know what was wrong with you, I knew it couldn’t last forever! You’d finish school, have a career, the Lord would lead you to build your own family. And all the brokenness with your siblings would be healed and forgotten. Your dad and I would become “Grandma’s house” and all the little cousins would visit and raise a ruckus. A house of joy.
I wanted to see the look in your eyes when you held your first child. We wouldn’t say a word. You’d just look at me and we’d hold that gaze between us saying everything and nothing. You gave me that look your last night on earth but I didn’t give it back because I didn’t know you were saying goodbye. Your eyes were big and blue and endless, open wide and peering into the us of you and me. The last time I saw you alive. The last time those eyes saw mine.
I’ve beheld the saddest sight in the world. Your eyes were big and blue, but they were not seeing me back. Their light was gone as a shadow at evening.
I thought we had more time.
Are your eyes looking into the us of you and Jesus?
I wonder how you’re spending your time now. Is everybody in heaven waiting breathlessly for the culmination of God’s great plan? Or is the dazzling glory so all-encompassing that eternity becomes an afterthought?
We’re all waiting for it down here. We know we’ll have eternity to be together and finally be free from the pain of losing you. We just don’t know when it’s going to start.
Dear Lord, I know You’ve got him. I know he has purposes in heaven just as he had purposes on this earth. I wish I could get a glimpse of him to help me make it. But I’ve got You, the One who made him. Please help that be enough for me. Give me more of Yourself, so I can make it however long it takes until Your purposes for me are fulfilled on this earth. Save me from myself. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
