When you lose a child to suicide Psalm 46 happens to you.  The earth gives way like a landslide and the mountains are moved into the heart of the sea. Tristan’s life–  his future, his presence, the realness of himself WITH us,  rose so high it engulfed the horizon like a mountain.  In reality, Tristan’s life was so dependant on the will of God keeping him here, that the waters closed over it and poof, it was just gone.

That mighty sea now roars and foams, swelling so high that the remaining mountains tremble at what it can engulf next. We now know, anything is possible.

Where does any hope lie? Is hope even feasible now? Our life is a tumult with a great gaping hole where a mountain once stood.

Cast your gaze away from that roaring, tumultuous sea. Come and see new water. Fresh water, a river whose streams make glad a city, the city of God.  This is where your child dwells now. This is where you will be going. Oh to see it, to be there this moment! What is my dear boy experiencing?

God is in the midst of her, this city is safe and cannot be moved. In our world nations rage and kingdoms totter, but with the smallest sound possible God utters and the earth melts. This is the God who could’ve stopped our child’s actions. This is the God who is with us and whom we serve. He is our fortress against the onslaught of trauma and tottering faith. Do we understand Who is on our side?

God makes war cease to the ends of the earth, the war that was in our child’s heart and now fights in ours. He breaks the bow and shatters the spear. The best that man can raise against Him, He is able to dismiss with His might.

Suicide brings the greatest war against your family and your heart of hearts. But after describing  the worst that can happen to this entire world as we know it, God can ask this of us:

“Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46

Tristan’s death made me know more than ever that God is God. He has brought me to a place of stillness where no move matters or can be used to thwart Him. This is the God we serve. This God is our fortress (a war term). He is the safe place from the onslaught of all the darkness that befell us that one fateful day.

Do we understand Who is on our side? God asks us to hide in Him.

(To read Psalm 46, click here.)

Dear God, I wish so many things. I wish I could’ve helped my boy. I wish I could’ve seen him healed and whole on this earth. I wish I knew what it felt like to feel him hug me back. So many wishes. I still can’t believe this is our story. The only thing I can do is run to you and have You hide me. Like a chick under Your protective wing. You know the reasons. You hold the mysteries. I trust You, Lord. Save me from myself. In Jesus name, amen.