I miss having proud moments
– Michelle Curtis, (Derek’s mom)
That about sums it up. I miss a lot of things,
- your familiar footsteps when I’d listen to see who came in
- that laugh you reserved for your best friend
- the giggle fits you’d get into with your siblings
- your breath on my cheek when you were a wee one
- the light in your eyes before it was snuffed out
But most of all, I miss the way you would find me in a crowd and our eyes would meet. You knew I was your proud momma. You knew you were the most important thing in the world with that glance. I was your own private cheering section in life and in awe of the gift God gave me. I still can’t believe you were once mine.
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I miss having proud moments.
What about seeing you at the front of the church, waiting for your bride?
What about telling me “It’s a boy!” or, “it’s a girl!”?
What about those proud moments?
It’s like everything slipped over Niagara falls that day and I just watched your life disappear into a mist.
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Everything that was to be, never existed at all.
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I’m standing on the shore, looking at the mist, wondering where you are. Can I just catch a glimpse? Heaven might as well be mist to me. I don’t know what your life is like there. Oh, Tristan, Tristan, do you know I’m still proud of you? Do you know I yearn for our eyes to meet again, where we said everything and nothing at all?
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Are you laughing with Grandpa? Are you listening to Adam talk about naming your favorite animal a wolf? Is David teaching you how to use a sling? I can’t wait to see! Our eyes are going to meet again, Tristan, and I’ll be so proud, so proud you are still my boy.
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Dear God, what’s hard is the thing I want the most is to hug Tristan, but You’ve given me Jesus and I can’t hug Him, either. All I can do is have faith that Jesus is here with me, holding me and helping me wait to see my Tristan again. I wish it was as real as it used to be. Everything You’ve said in scripture is what’s holding me up, without arms I can feel, or hugs I can sink into. Please be proven true! You’ll never, ever, fail me. I know that. Help me know that. In Jesus most Holy and precious name, amen.
