I guess I thought losing you would get better in time. Most things in life do, except thorns. Thorns are sent by God and they stay. Paul had a thorn and he called it a messenger from satan to buffet him. Buffet=
- beat
- break
- cripple
- crush
- disable
- hurt
- lame
- mar
- pummel
- shatter
- wreck
“Skolops” is the Greek word for thorn and it is better translated as “stake”. Doesn’t that feel just about right? Graphic and intense, a great big ol’ stake was driven through my heart.
Paul got a reason for his thorn. It was to keep him from becoming conceited because of the greatness of the revelations he had from God. When Paul pleaded with God to remove the thorn he also got an answer— “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
I would love to have a reason and an answer. God hasn’t shown me a purpose for my thorn. He can’t remove it either, unless I am removed to heaven. So until then, I’ll have to be content with the answer He gave Paul– “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
Is His grace really sufficient when you see your boy dead on the garage floor? Is His grace really sufficient when you can’t look at ambulances without remembering your boy’s lifeless eyes?
This is one thorn I never thought about until it entered my flesh and came to stay. But Paul did a lot while he endured his thorn in the flesh. Maybe that’s the whole point. God’s power can work through those who are the weakest because they have no power in themselves. I feel totally at God’s mercy, like Job. Job knew Who he had to turn to just to make it through the truth of his life.
The thorn God gave me is mine for keeps until I see my boy restored and whole. Until then I’ll live my life in weakness and hope He is sufficient to get me through the waiting. (2 Cor. 12:9)
Dear God, it’s really not going away, is it? It’s really real, isn’t it? I think I liked numbness and shock, even trauma better than the sharp smack of reality. I don’t think I can make it for 40 more years. I don’t want to make it for 40 more years because it’s all Tristan-less. How can that be okay? At this point, I guess my life is living in weakness and ever waiting to see how You show up each day sufficiently with Your grace. Are You telling me Your power will be perfected through my weak self? I haven’t seen it yet. Or maybe any good that comes from this is Your power. I’ll keep my allegiance to You because there’s no place else to go. I’ll study the saints’ lives in scripture to see how You worked with them. And I’ll wait. Save me from myself! In Jesus’ name, Amen.
