Tristan’s dear friend’s dad went to heaven today and I’m sure Tristan got to hug him. Death of any kind brings Tristan’s death nearer. “Be to me a rock of refuge to which I may continually come.” Continually.  Will we ever stop needing refuge in this life where our children died?  

I look at this grieving family and it brings me back to the early days. The gaping, raw hole of loss. It’s hard to live a life with a hole where Tristan used to be but it’s equally bad when the hole starts to fill in. I can see my pain is different now from the early days and instead of feeling good about that, I am wondering if I am forgetting my son. How can I keep going after losing him? What kind of mother can even live a life after such a thing?
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I have to tell myself it is the way of things since the beginning of time. Redemption. God does not leave you in loss. He redeems it. He redeems all things because He wins. Death does not win, pain does not win, the enemy does not win.
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The enemy will try to play tricks on this plan by saying I am forgetting my son or dishonoring his memory by beginning this life-long healing process. The enemy is a liar and will use these lies to try to thwart God’s redeeming plan for His loved ones.
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Here is the truth. I will never forget my boy. And growth from his loss is not forgetting him. It is growing closer to him and the day I will one day be with him. I will be completely healed on that day. And until then, it will come little by little, day by day and each lesson learned in this loss life will bring glory to God as He gives me the faith to endure it. I am not healed today. I am enduring.
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Enduring is simply this- Tristan, your loss is a part of who I am now and I see everything through these new eyes. Informed eyes. I see the earth as a place that is groaning for redemption and my life on it as just a short time until I’m in my real home. like you are.
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Someday, at the appointed time, earth will be redeemed and we’ll live in our forever home with no more lack or loss. Loss will be wiped away with all the tears I cried for you.
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I will see your face! You will introduce me to our new home and all the joys it contains. I will see your eyes sparkle again and your impish grin, and perhaps I will even hear you say, “Mom, watch this!” I will watch you do whatever your new thing is in heaven,  and I will shine with pride. Our eyes will connect and you will see all the love in the world I have for you that has no place to go right now. I will place my hands on your broad shoulders and we will share in that moment everything I’ve missed out on giving you all these years. And swirling around it all will be the knowledge that God knew. He’s always known.  And it’s all finally okay.
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Will we ever stop needing refuge in this life where our children died? Perhaps only those who have grief as a companion understand. We’ve always needed Refuge. We are desperate for it.
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Dear Lord, I get it now. The enemy has been lying to me. Why do these lessons come so slowly? I guess you will reveal Truth as I am able to receive it. Thank you for being gentle with my pain. Thank you for showing me my great need for You as my Refuge. All I’m thinking right now is, “Come, Lord Jesus, come quickly. We are tired of longing. Help us to be here at Your service until You do.” In Jesus’ name, amen.