We are 20 months into this grief. In some moments I can be back in time, on the garage floor whimpering over the void of warmth in my poor boy’s body and the lack of sight in his eyes. But what is just as unbelievable to me now is that he is beginning to disappear. I want to take a stand and declare: I won’t lose any of my children! But then I realize, it’s too late. I have lost one.
I need to hang on to him forever so he won’t disappear.
But he’s safe and sound, with God.
I want to be there with him!
But if God wanted you to be finished living here, He would have taken you, too.
What am I supposed to do without my boy?
Live. God will keep him for you. The more you live in His name, the more Tristan gets to watch and glorify God for His strength being shown in your weakness.
Live? It hurts too much.
He’s in God’s arms. You’re in God’s arms. Look. God has left scripture for you that shows what it will be like until you’re together. It’s not forever, but a light momentary affliction in comparison to the eternal weight of glory when your eyes see him again. You must let God be the One who cares for him.
It goes against everything in me! Against who God created me to be!
Yes, if it wasn’t hard, it wouldn’t be a sacrifice. See what God did with Abraham and Isaac? See what He asked of Jacob and Joseph? It’s well within His purview.
Denying God my son isn’t the thing, because He’s already got him. What I’m fighting is, living without my son… I’m sacrificing my Isaac, but I’ll have to wait so long to see how God provides! It’s too long to see it all fulfilled…. Tristan is sufficient for me.
God’s GRACE is sufficient for you.
Sufficient when I’ve already suffered a million tiny losses!?
- calling his name
- seeing his empty chair
- his toothbrush
- his mug
- his room
- his art
- his empty body
I’m slain again and again with these. I’m so scared to face a life without him… but… I’ve got an idea. How about I live for God instead of living without Tristan? Can I just do that?
He’ll take that. Remember He took a fisherman who denied Him three times. He works in increments the size of a mustard seed. All along the way He will counsel you with His eye upon you, Your “idea” was really His mercy being poured out upon you. Tristan will cheer you on with the great cloud of witnesses that have gone before. When you finally come home, it will seem as but a moment. And remember, He never wastes the waiting.
