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We are in the state where you were born, decorating the table with fall leaves.
Aunt Melissa asked me how old Ethan was because he used to be your best friend. I couldn’t remember if you were older than him. Then I had to think how old you would be now if you had stayed here. Twenty-three or twenty-four? Your birthday is coming. Feb 10, 2025 and I always go down a year to get your age, so 24. You’d turn 24 if the world still held you.
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Will you miss not turning 24? Do you miss anything in heaven? We miss a lot down here. I thought the missing of you had turned into a homesickness, and a waiting to see you again. But being here, in the world where your cousins are getting married and your best friend is moving away, is churning up your absence.
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I can’t believe there was a last time I looked into your eyes. I just can’t believe those eyes died. I remember seeing them for the first time when you were born. I remember the way you used to look at me when you were toddling about the kitchen and wanting yogurt. I remember how they pleaded with me when you were scared of fall leaves that buried your baby feet. I just can’t believe I’ll never see them again when all of your friends and family are moving on and seeing the world swirl around them, living lives when yours is over.
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I got you for 18 years, 363 days, and now I have the place you used to be that carries all the pain. Even Jesus can’t take away this pain. It’s not that He can’t, it’s that He hasn’t. I give it to Him and it comes right back. I think I’m meant to carry it until I see you again. How can a mom ever let go of the one she carried and protected and would have died for? I would have gladly given my life if it could have saved yours. God knew that so He didn’t give me that chance. For some reason, I am meant to be HERE. And you are meant to be THERE. And God is asking me to live in TRUST until we’re together and it all makes sense.
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There were fall leaves on the ground when you were born. There were fall leaves in your bag when we’d go leaf picking, and now there are fall leaves covering the ground that covers you.
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Are you really alive in heaven and having the time of your life? I’m glad you don’t carry the pain anymore. But it seems a long time until I can see that for myself.
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Dear God, help me. Keep me believing until I can see for myself and it doesn’t hurt anymore. Thank you for making sure Your Word preserved all the accounts of the saints that had a hard story so I know I’m not alone. Paul said, “…except that the Holy Spirit testifies to me in every city that imprisonment and afflictions await me. But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus…”. If my ministry is only to say You are Good, and Holy, and True, and to keep this Faith when everything feels otherwise, then let that be enough. Please come quickly so we can get on with the real living of the New Earth. Hug my boy for me and whisper in his ear how much I love him. In Jesus most Holy and precious name, amen.
