used to think that my love for you was so fierce that I would die for you. I didn’t know that living for you would be the harder task. Dying for you would have been easy. It’s the living on after you’re gone that is the hard part.

The pain you carried was big enough to make you want to die. I know that now, because it’s mine.  And if it was the way things worked, I would have taken it from you in a heartbeat, even knowing how heavy it was, even knowing how all encompassing and shadow-drenched it was, I would gladly have taken it, if only it meant you’d be free. 

The thing is, I didn’t know. I didn’t know until you were gone and it was mine.

I am so sorry you lived this way with no one to talk to and no one understanding how much you were hurting. There I was, trying my best to reach you but you were down too far. 
Why did you have to die for me to find out how deep the well was that held your sorrow?
I haven’t plumbed the depths yet. I’m guessing it will take a lifetime to find that out
I read things like,
God’s love is strong.
His lovingkindness toward us is great.
I’ve heard that before and read it a hundred times. But after you left I learned something new.
Now I know that His lovingkindness prevails. The dictionary defines “prevail” as: “to be superior in strength, power, or influence” As in to prevail over something.
For His lovingkindness prevails over us 
Psalm 117:2a says His lovingkindness prevails OVER US.
Did God know He’d need to prevail over my wanting to die, too?


Did He know He’d need to prevail over my wandering heart that wants to give up because life is too hard?
I don’t want to make dinner or fill out insurance forms. I want to curl up and disappear. 
He is there, prevailing, and somehow there is warm supper on the table and I am still alive.
His lovingkindness is stronger than my questions. “Why did you choose us to have a dead son? Why did you make Tristan in the first place if he was only going to experience such pain and darkness?”
God is still there, prevailing, gently leading me to answers in His Word that show me I am not the first mother to have her soul pierced with a sword, and sometimes answers come only in heaven.
I would expect Him to prevail over the enemy, over darkness, over evil, but now I know a greater accomplishment than these  — He prevails over me. 
Dear God, I’m so glad You’re bigger than me. Who else can I go to? This loss-life feels so big that it fills up the page and there’s nothing left to write on. Do I even want my story to continue? I’m glad it’s not up to me. Help me keep going and looking to the One who loves me best. Can you give Tristy a kiss from me? Can you trace his left eyebrow so he knows it’s from his mom? Save me from myself. In Jesus name, amen.