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There is an anniversary but I never know when it’s going to hit. I can’t really anticipate it because it can come at any time. It came today. The first snow.
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When you were little you ran with your siblings to the window and jumped up and down with glee. It didn’t matter that you were barefoot. Everyone ran outside anyway, just to catch a snowflake on their tongue. We knew it would be with us for the next 5 months but it was new now, blanketing your world in wonder.
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As you got older you started a new tradition with the first snow. “Can I throw Pippin in a snowdrift?” you’d ask. How could I say no to that cute little face? Then we’d sweep up poor unsuspecting Pippin and gently toss him into the awaiting powder. A puffball would emerge, shaking indignant paws while stalking his way to the door and we’d laugh and laugh.
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Even when depression stole your heart, the first snow always brought glee into your spirit. You’d grab that cat and give him the traditional toss, with me as your audience. I was always by your side when that happened. I wish I was by your side right now. That’s what the first snow does to me. It makes me want to hear your laughter, and feel that sweet camaraderie. Heaven can’t come soon enough! That’s the only place left where I can experience the you of you again.
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You weren’t you those last years. And I kept trying to break through to find you again. Only occasionally would I catch a glimpse that my boy was still in there. You are free now, more you than you’ve ever been, without the weight of sin and sorrow that bound you to this earth. I wish I could catch a glimpse of the true you in freedom.
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Part of me wishes I had gone with you that night. But I have to wait. Waiting hurts. Life hurts. Death hurts. Snow hurts. I understand why escaping this reality seemed like an answer to you. I have to endure. I have to wade through the life God has for me until I see you again. But knowing God, it’s never just enduring. He’s got things planned for the mess left behind. He’s got redeeming to do.
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We’ll get through this hard cold winter and wait for spring eternal. Spring always comes. Maybe I’ll start a new tradition and use the first day of snow anniversary to look forward, not backward. Because there’s another day coming that we’ll never know when it’s going to hit. The day we see you again. Barefoot, and running to each other full of freedom and Truth, all the mess left behind, the heavens blanketed in wonder and rejoicing at our reunion.
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Dear God, I can still see him there, at the window, I can see his eyes sparkling. Why did You let that light fade away until it was snuffed out? I hate the curse of this earth! How long do we have to live until we are together again? Help me to want to be where you have me. Save me from myself. In Jesus name, amen.
