As a suicide loss survivor, I’ve said and thought some pretty drastic things in my private moments since Tristan died. I was surprised to find my exact same thoughts recorded in the bible.
I found three little words that summed up my world, but first, here is the resume of the guy who uttered them. He is one of the greatest prophets who ever lived. He is described as being more humble than all the people who were on the face of the earth. God said there was no one more faithful in all of His house than this man.
Here is what he asked God to do:
“So if you are going to deal with me this way, please ____________________.”
Can you fill in the blank? Three little words that we have all felt since we lost our child. Three little words that you may have said yourself. Three little words that we never thought we’d come to:
“Kill me now.”
Can you guess who said it? Moses! (Moses, this knits my soul to yours.) God says He spoke to Moses face-to-face. They had conversations. Moses could answer back and go to God with complaints like this:
“WHY have you dealt ill with your servant?”
“WHY have I not found favor in Your sight?”
“I am not able to carry this burden alone. It is too heavy for me.”
Moses said God was unfair, accused God of doing it wrong, used sarcasm, and doubted God’s solutions to his problems. But the thing I feel most akin to is the reason he wanted God to kill him.
“… please kill me now, if I have found favor in Your sight, and do not let me see my misery.”
I don’t want to see myself without my boy. I don’t want to experience the misery of life in forever missing my son.
Aren’t you glad that God preserved in scripture what you and I have felt? And God includes Moses’ credentials to assure us.
From Moses’ perspective, he saw all the wonders that God had acted out in his life to date, but he could still just want to die.
God’s answer to all of us is the same one He gave to Moses.
And the Lord said to Moses,“Is the Lord‘s hand shortened? Now you shall see whether my word will come true for you or not.”
Now above all times in our lives, we will see whether God’s Word will come true for us or not. Does He love us? Is He going to help us make it until we see our children again? Many things will be kept a mystery until we join our children. But some things must be proven true now.
There is a lot on the line when God speaks. His Word must prove true or He is not God. If the Lord’s word fails, there is something more powerful in the universe that can thwart Him.
I can testify that His Word has proven true. You may be in the depths of grief where you are unable to see it, but He will have you lean on those who can. You may be crying thankful tears for His provision in your loss, and He will have you give to those who can’t.
God will accomplish His purposes, His hand is not shortened. It is long enough to reach the deepest sorrow and the greatest loss.
It may be surprising what grief brings out in you, but take heart. The meekest, most faithful man who ever lived felt the same. And God kept Moses’ example so we could see we are not alone.
Dear God, I’ve never been more miserable, and I’ve never been more close to You. Where else could I go? What else could I do but cling to You? In all of my searching of Your Word, it has proven true. I can’t wait to be with my boy and rejoice at all that You’ve yet to accomplish through his life and death. Until then, help me through this wretchedness. Hold me fast. You’re the One who loves Tristan best. Can you hug him for me? Let him know everything? I miss him SO much. Come soon, Lord. Save me from myself. In Jesus’ name, Amen.