I anxiously fiddled with the radio dial trying to pull up a Christian radio station before the flashbacks hit again. With nothing to occupy my mind while driving, memories of Tristan’s lifeless body could hit hard. Maybe music would be a distraction.
“Always positive, always encouraging, KLOVE!!”
I found it. The only problem was the music had paused for listener call-ins. I listened as caller after caller told of miracle stories. A toddler miraculously brought back to life after near-drowning, a loved one coming off of life-support, a coma survivor coming home to family. God said yes to these prayers. “It was a miracle!” they all said. What would I say if I called in?
“I’m calling in for all of the people God said no to. All of the moms and dads whose children God took to heaven while we prayed for miracles. We are left here suffering the loss of them. Can I say a word to those listeners?”
“God did not forget us and our outcomes were not second-best. In fact, let me propose something else. There is one very important person that God said no to that puts us in very good company: Jesus.”
“Remember, ‘My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me;’? God said no. And thank the Lord He did.”
“If God said no to His most beloved Son, and that “no” was an integral part of His plan, God can say no to us and still love us.”
No, doesn’t mean God isn’t listening.
No, doesn’t mean God is punishing us.
No, doesn’t mean God is cruel and uncaring.
This is true because we can find “no” answers and “yes” answers in the Bible. God uses both to accomplish His plans. And if our situation included suicide or sin we are not written off. What else does God have to work with, but sinners? We ALL fall short in that respect.
The natural outcome of a yes answer is rejoicing and celebration.
The natural outcome of a no answer is mourning and lament.
But, both reactions bring God glory. In fact, if we are to compare, God said:
“It is better to go to the house of mourning than to go to the house of feasting, for this is the end of all mankind, and the living will lay it to heart.” Ecc. 7:2
I expected a yes answer when I prayed for God to save Tristan from his pain.
My yes answer was seeing my boy whole and healed on this earth.
God’s yes answer was having Tristan whole and healed in heaven where I will see him later.
I would never have accepted God’s answer if I was given the choice. But since I know that God is God and I am not, I decide to bow before His all good, all wise, sovereignty and love.
The Cost
What I didn’t expect was what came with God’s answer. He left a gift for me that isn’t often talked about and it took some time to discover. It has to do with cost.
It costs more to believe God when my hopes are slain.
When the boy He gave me on this earth for 18 years, 363 days, is lying lifeless on the garage floor, can I then believe, God is wise, God is good, God has a purpose even in this?
Can I affirm that “all the days that were ordained for Tristan were written in His book when as yet there were not one of them?” Can I give glory to God when it costs that much?
What I discovered is this – Praise from slain lips is more beautiful to God because it is a sacrifice of praise. Sacrifice implies it COSTS something.
This means I can give God something that others cannot: Belief when everything looks as if it’s ended. Trust when all my hopes are crushed. Waiting on Him when all I want to do is run to heaven to be with my child. These are offerings only the slain of heart can give.
Someday we won’t need “always positive, always encouraging!” because we’ll be living it in the New Heavens and the New Earth. Until then, we can know we were not forgotten and our outcomes were not second best.
God’s nos always were and always are a part of His all-wise plan. God said no to the person He loved the most: Jesus.
Dear God, I had so many plans to serve you by being a good mom and raising my kids to glorify you. I thought I knew You. Now, I see things I never wanted to know. I guess I never wanted to know how powerful You are and how far-reaching and marvelous Your plans are. I wanted my plans. I can see now why Job tore his robes and worshiped You when he was told he had lost everything. He knew what I knew in that moment, I was not in control. Your plans trump all and I will only find out why when I see You face to face, and maybe not even then. Help me trust You. I can tell even now that I have doubts. Help me give it all to You. Help me to crawl up into your lap and be held as I wait. Thank you for the gift of my son, and thank you for the gift of being able to say he was yours all along. In Jesus name, amen.
Job said,
“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
And naked I shall return there.
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.” Job 1:21
