I recently listened to two sermons on suicide. One pastor yelled at his congregation, demanding they not commit such a horrible sin. He had just lost two congregants to suicide. The second pastor gave a tender and compassionate memorial on God’s sovereignty in knowing the beginning and end of each life and how God would use even this loss, to His glory. It was much more effective. It reminded me of my son’s memorial service where a young boy got saved, and two others determined not to entertain the idea of ending their life anymore.
I never thought of Tristan committing a sin in taking his life. All I had was compassion for my son’s state of mind because I understood his poor brain was in torture. But the yelling pastor got me thinking, Why is what Tristan did in the category of sin?
God gave us a simple commandment, “Thou shalt not kill.” But when it comes to someone struggling with a mental illness it’s not that simple. My son did kill. He ended his own life. If Tristan were still here I would argue with him: Life is precious and sacred and we are commanded not to kill it. Please cling to God until He provides relief. But therein lies the whole problem! His diseased mind was incapable of seeing anything but escape from torture. He was not “taking” his life but escaping from it, giving it back to God because he didn’t want it, couldn’t stand it. “I’m too weak to keep trying” is what Tristan said. It’s like he was saying to God, ‘Here, You take it, I’m done’. After enduring for 6 years, in a moment of weakness, he made an irreversible and tragic mistake.
We aren’t that different, you know. Aren’t we all guilty of discounting the sacredness of the life God has given us? We may not be taking the steps to end it physically. But maybe we’ve ended it practically. We may escape slowly by complaining, or drinking or overeating or drugs. We may escape with lethargy, procrastination, materialism or idolatry.
If suicide is a rejection of life, how many of us reject the circumstances we find ourselves in? Do we really believe that God is using this life, this right here, right now life, for a bigger purpose than our own plans?
It raises the question that we all should ask ourselves, “Am I accepting the life He gave me? Am I willing to be His servant? To truly do all He asks without caveat or knowing why? In humility, accepting the story He’s writing with my life and not demanding a different plot line?”
Even when we are so weak that we can’t get out of bed, can we rest, and beg for trust? Resting and trusting while we are healing is saying yes to God, even if that is all we are able to do.
If I could address that yelling pastor I might say, “Dear Yelling Pastor: If Tristan sat in your congregation, your loudness would not have helped his mental illness or changed the outcome. Can you not see that the same sin of escaping lies within the hearts of all men? Remember that the Bible addresses not just outward actions like suicide, but also the heart attitude many of us have – “Give me a different life”. Jesus made no distinction between committing sin (murder) and harboring sin in your heart (anger). Matt 5:21-22
If Jesus equates murder and anger, are Tristan’s actions really more sinful than other sins in God’s eyes? My boy’s actions were more final, granted. But I would ask that you not put him in a class of his own sinfulness. Jesus didn’t. He said anger is just as bad as murder. With all respect, maybe this means you shouldn’t be so angry at your congregation while you are trying to save them.”
In the end, I think all of us are relieved to know that our children were not worse than any other sinner because none of us deserve God’s grace and forgiveness. (Rom 3:23) Best of all, God has a heart for the pitiful little lambs that cannot keep themselves alive. I believe that’s why He rescued them and took them home to be with Him. (Ps. 22:29)
Dear God, thank you for forgiving and rescuing my boy. You say that as far as the east is from the west, so far have You removed our sins from us. Tristan is with you, sin-free and loving it! I wish I was there, too. This earth is so heavy, and I struggle to say thank you for my life. Sometimes I want to give my life back to you, because it is so painful. Help me, Jesus. Can You, in time, help me to count as sacred this life You have given me? I know You can help me to live for You on this earth and wait for the day I will be with You and my Tristy in person! In Jesus more Holy and precious name, amen.
