(Note: this post may be triggering to loss from drowning)

 

I should have guessed that I would be sad when a pet that carried memories of Tristan died. But I was unprepared for the ferocity that hit me. I thought all of our animals would die from old age. I was wrong. And I was also wrong about being done with the raw grief that came at the beginning of Tristan’s departure. 

God mercifully allows shock so we can survive the trauma of a child’s death. But with an animal, you understand it is not even  the same category as your child so you don’t go into shock. Instead, you feel the full force of your grief, and part of you knows you are not just crying for your pet. You are crying for all the sorrow  brought into your world when your child left for heaven.

Every word below is what poured out of my heart with no filter. It was not composed for anybody to read. I just sat and  argued my case with God. I decided to offer it in case it happens to you so you will know you are not alone, and you will know from whence it may come.

Too Far?

But I would speak to the Almighty, and I desire to argue my case with God.  Job 13:3

This is going too far, God. I trusted you for the lifespan of my son. I could see how you were sovereignly in control of something so pivotal and the ripple effect of Tristan’s days on this earth. It was such a great mystery as to why you took him home before us, but I just had to trust you.

I trusted you through the pain, through the trauma. I had to cling to you as I imagined his last moments, his last breath. It was traumatizing to relive it over and over. To calculate the timing of his last actions, who he spoke to last, where he went last, what he did last. I trusted you through all of this.

The pain was just beginning to heal. I knew it would last a lifetime but the intensity was not incapacitating anymore. And then. And then it’s almost as if you said, okay, she’s getting back on her feet. lets knock her down again. And you chose something so needless to do it. Something that showed me I don’t trust you at all!

Our cat Fluff. We called him that silly name because his beautiful coat floated like a dandelion seed on the wind. He loved the outdoors and spent 80% of his time there. His little face would peek into the window each morning asking for breakfast. On snowy days he’d lay on Tristan’s cozy bed snuggling in the down comforter. He was the king of the neighborhood. So noble and stately with his linebacker muscles rippling beneath his magnificent coat. He owned this street.

He was found this morning in the neighbor’s pool. He’d stepped onto the pool cover and it broke. He slid into 3 feet of water with no chance of climbing out. If the water didn’t kill him, the freezing temperature would have. And this is what I don’t get. Why? Why dump something so cruel on all of our consciences? Didn’t I just learn that a single sparrow can’t fall to the ground apart from YOUR WILL? Not just your knowledge, but your will?  I’m sure he tried and tried to claw his way out. I’m sure he got weaker and weaker and helplessly succumbed to the elements. But he suffered first, of that I’ve no doubt. What a senseless, cruel way to die. 

And now I get to think of that each morning when his little face doesn’t greet me at the kitchen window. I get to think about how he died alone and I wasn’t there to save him. He was cold, freezing, calling and calling but finding no help, no warmth to bring him back to safety and home. His peril is like a microcosm of all the worst things about losing Tristan. Now I have a picture to rip open the hurt again. I have to ask you, WHY? Couldn’t you have just let him live to a good age and full of days?

Here I am back again to the threshold of Tristan’s grief with all the triggers. Did you want me to suffer more? Did you want me to relive the most painful moments? It’s putting all belief of you to the test. Was that the purpose? To show me I am not above anger and resentment over your sovereignty?

I know I’m not wiser than you. I know I’m not orchestrating the world down to the finest dust speck. So how can I say I know better that Fluff should still be alive? It’s tempting to answer BECAUSE HE WAS JUST A CAT! What difference would it make in the grand scheme of things?

So once again, I bow my knee to you because there’s nothing else I can do. I submit and say, take my contempt and distrust as I drink this cup to the dregs. I hope your plans are to come fast to save me from myself.

Dear Lord, I’m asking you for the impossible. Please let it be that Fluff didn’t suffer. Please let him be with Tristan and giving him joy right now. Please just make it all okay somehow. Thank You for letting me argue my case with You. You showed us that you experienced dual emotions when for the joy set before You, You endured the cross, despising the shame. Thank You for showing me that I can honor You and still despise what happened to my precious Tristy and to his magnificent cat named Fluff.