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.I remember when I could catch a glimpse of you at church during worship with everybody singing —  but not you. It hurt my heart that you didn’t want to sing to the Lord. Why? Why didn’t you act like a Christian who loved the Lord? Was it that hard to sing a little? If I did happen to catch a glimpse of you singing it made my heart soar because it confirmed that you did love God.
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I am ashamed now that I put that judgement on you. I stand in church with all the loss of you pressing in on my heart and I can’t sing either. When you left, you took my songs with you.
I thought you just didn’t care or didn’t love God enough to praise Him. Now I know you had nothing to lend your voice to. Despair and hopelessness was the only refrain you knew.
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So much of God’s Word is devoted to lament. I wish we had recognized that while you were alive. I sent the worship team songs of lament and now they are being incorporated into our worship sets. I hope God lets you know that. They are the songs I can sing with a full voice. And if I were alone I could cry and wail like Job did.
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The soundtrack of the world started with God’s voice, “Let there be light.” The soundtrack of the crucifixion ended with a scream, “It is finished!”. I wonder what it sounded like when the curtain in the temple was torn in two, forever rending the barrier between God and man? I wonder what it sounded like to hear the earth quake and the tombs open letting out their captives with resurrected bodies to wander around Jerusalem? The crowd around the foot of the cross went home beating their breasts, lamenting that they had truly killed the Son of God. They had to find their way home in the darkness as the sun hid its face at their folly. (Luke 23, Matt 27)
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It’s a good thing it didn’t end there or I wouldn’t be seeing you again. Hope came two days later, albeit with great skepticism. “Jesus is alive!”  “No, he’s not”. “Yes, we’ve seen Him!” “You are telling foolish tales!” They didn’t believe it until Jesus was in their midst.  I can relate to those disciples who pushed hope so far away they denied it even existed.
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Jesus rose, you will rise. He’s alive, you are alive. You are in heaven not because you sang in church, but because you truly believed He was able to save you from sin and separation from God forever. You just couldn’t sing about it then. I bet you’re singing about it now!
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What will the soundtrack of my life be? Can I laugh and praise my children with one of them in heaven?  Can I say “congratulations” to your best friend when he gets married even though you are not there to be his Best Man? Will I sing Happy Birthday to my grandchildren even if none of them belong to you?
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I think I’ll go back to the first sound uttered in the world. “Let there be light.” It was dark, and formless and void before God spoke those words. It feels that way now. But God spoke it all away.
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Dear God, please bring light back into my life. Let the light of your Word fill my heart to chase away this despondency. Let your Truth dawn upon me so that others can see it in my life. Please let Tristan know we are singing songs of lament in church now, and how many people in our congregation need it. Thank you for using Tristan’s life and death to minister in that way. Can You do the same for me? Save me from myself. In Jesus name, Amen.