Is it okay to want your child back so badly that the promise of heaven is not comforting?
Yes.
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God says it’s okay because He wrote about it in Proverbs.
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is the tree of life.” Pv 13:12
Hope involves something we don’t like. It involves waiting. No one hopes for what they can see, hold, and experience. We only hope for what we don’t have. Our hope is deferred until the day it comes true. Hope deferred makes us heartsick.
Heartsick: longing, missing, wishing, crying, screaming, weeping. We know God understands all of these emotions and actions because we see them in Jesus.
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Heartsick is a condition found in scripture. Jesus had this feeling when he cried out about His precious children in the city of Jerusalem.
“Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you were not willing.” Luke 13:34
Jesus longed for something often that He did not get and could not have at the time.
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Jesus also begged God for something that He could not have and would not get in the Garden of Gethsemane. Jesus asked for a different plan than dying on the cross. Jesus didn’t just ask, He begged three separate times. Jesus really, really, wanted what He didn’t get. He was heartsick with longing. He was heartsick with longing to the point of death. “I am sorrowful unto death”. This was so serious that God had to send angels to minister to Him to make Him strong enough to complete the next phase of His mission. This proves that the condition of being heartsick over your child is not sinning. Wanting a plan other than the one in front of you is not sinning. Jesus did both of these things and He never sinned.
Jesus also begged God for something that He could not have and would not get in the Garden of Gethsemane. Jesus asked for a different plan than dying on the cross. Jesus didn’t just ask, He begged three separate times. Jesus really, really, wanted what He didn’t get. He was heartsick with longing. He was heartsick with longing to the point of death. “I am sorrowful unto death”. This was so serious that God had to send angels to minister to Him to make Him strong enough to complete the next phase of His mission. This proves that the condition of being heartsick over your child is not sinning. Wanting a plan other than the one in front of you is not sinning. Jesus did both of these things and He never sinned.
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is the tree of life.” Pv 13:12
The second part of Pv 13:12 says that “desire fulfilled is the tree of life”. Seeing our child again is what we desire. When our desire is fulfilled it will be like a “tree of life”. Trees in scripture are used when God wants to indicate something thriving. “Like a tree planted by streams of water”, Psalm 1:3, describes a person who always has access to what brings life. There is a real Tree of Life found in the Garden of Eden which will also be present in heaven with us.
…’To him who overcomes, I will grant to eat of the tree of life which is in the Paradise of God.’ Revelation 2:7
On the day we see our child, our desire will be fulfilled and we will also eat of the Tree of Life!
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One day our desire will be fulfilled, but not right now. So we are heartick. While God understands that Heartsick can include: longing, missing, wishing, crying, screaming, weeping, He doesn’t leave us there. God knows the day, the hour, the second, that our desire will be fulfilled. And until that time, He will minister to us with His Holy Spirit. He will comfort us, hold us, weep with us, wait with us, and understand our deepest longings because He put them there. He’s the best comforter anybody could ask for.
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God isn’t demanding that our heartsickness be healed. He knows we need it to properly grieve the preciousness of our child. He’s asking if He can join us IN it. Will we invite God into the sorrow He knows we are already holding? Jesus is longing to be our partner in grief!
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I will tell you a secret. When I began this journey I missed Tristan so much that I felt like I loved him more than I loved Jesus. And at the time, I did. As the years passed, the act of Jesus loving me through my pain drew me close to the Lord. He became the friend I never had, and I finally concluded that it was Jesus I wanted to run to first, before I hugged the boy He gave me. God has a way of becoming your all, and making you realize He’s more than the gifts He gives you.
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Dear God, as much as I want to see my boy, I can imagine if I ran to him first, he’d be like, wait, mom, look, there’s JESUS! You can’t skip Him to get to me!! HE’S AWESOME!!! I can hear Tristan now. So hugging Jesus first will make Tristan happy because it’s the right order of things he’s experiencing at this moment. We have no idea, do we? How amazing it is for them to be with You, free of pain, and sorrow, and worries and troubles. It’ll be the Garden of Eden where You walk with man, but it’ll be a whole world! Forever and ever. Tell Tristy I miss him. Hug my boy for me and tell him I can’t wait!. In Jesus name, amen.
