Note: If you found your child this post may be triggering as this is the subject matter.
Breath.
That’s what was missing when we found you. Your soul was gone. Your body was empty. It held you all the days of your life and you left it behind when you left us.
There was no chance of you taking a gasping breath like they do in the movies. I knew it when I saw you. I was calling your name in a small voice, knowing it was my last chance to say goodby before the authorities came. Then, my boy, MY boy would be theirs. It made me desperate to take in all of you before you became a crime scene.
My boy, a crime scene? To be detected? How did it come to this?
My boy toddled around brand spankin’ clean after his bath. Wet curls adorning his head. Charming us all with his wide-open blue eyes and gap-tooth grin. My boy.
I got to see your last scene on earth. I saw your first, and I saw your last.
Breath.
God says His breath made the scriptures. Inspired= God-breathed.
God breathed His life into the dust to make Adam. I feel like I need God to breathe new life into me.
God’s breath is what I need. God’s Word is living and active, sharp enough to cleave me in two, to penetrate and divide my soul and spirit, my joint and marrow. Your Words can reach and weigh my thoughts and the intentions of my heart.
I can’t have Tristan’s breath but I can have Yours. You breathed these words:
But God will ransom my soul from the power of Sheol, for He will receive me. Ps. 49:15
When Tristan’s last breath left him, You received him. You ransomed him from the power of death. What I saw was the only power death had over him, over his body. But even that will be made new.
You will resurrect it and I will wait for that day. Will I see Tristan in heaven before then? To see my boy again whole and healed is what I wait for.
Breath.
There’s a reason I still have my breath. Use me. I’ve nothing left to wish for. Use my breath until you decide it’s time to receive me.
Dear Lord, I know where I’m going. I know where Tristan is. I just don’t know what I’m doing still here. Will you breathe new life into me today? Please use your Word to show me You. I remember the days I believed I’d do anything to follow You, even to the point of death. Well, death is here but not the way I ever imagined it. I feel like Peter who said that same thing and then fled. Look what you did with Peter! All I know is, I need You. Save me from myself. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
